Bentley Colmen

[loneangel08]

-- BENTLEY WAYNE COLMEN

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-- FULL NAME: Bentley Wayne Colmen
-- NICKNAMES: Ben, Wayne, Some even call him Colmen
-- AGE: 22
-- BIRTH PLACE: Gueensland, Australia
-- ORIENTATION: Straight
-- OCCUPATION: Show Jumper
-- PLAYED BY: Zac Efron

-- PERSONALITY

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-- COCKY:Ben loves to win. Being on top is his game. I guess he gets it from his parents who always loved to be on top of the tack world; it's just jumping with him. Well he's extremely competitive with really anything. After Ben starting jumping his parents always told him he was the best. That mixed with all the money they gave him placed him the cocky mind set. So he's now the cocky wealthy brat he was raised to be.
-- FLIRT: Girls! He loves them. Kinda like a drug for him. If he competes with them it's an even bigger turn on for him. He's knows he's good looking and with use it every time to his advance. Basically Ben will flirt with any girl that shows him she's interested. He'll play his game only to leave them to their broken hearts. Well that is if the girl some how doesn't get to him in the process. Though that is few and far in between because he tried not to let them get to him. He has found a few that seem to know his buttons and... well he tends to stay around for the fun.
--SENSITIVE: Sensitive?, you ask. Yes Bentley actually is sensitive. He has a heart under his cold, hard shell. Ben in his own way shows it. He just has the shell thanks to his parents. He learned if he was an ass and seemed not to care he didn't get hurt. He was always so let down when his parents never seemed to have the time for him. He decided early on that he would never allow anyone else to get to him like that. But if you do find a way to crack his shell and get in he is really a sweet guy.

-- LOVES: winning, horses, making money, girls, flirting, parting, drinking, living on the edge, getting what he wants, jumping
-- HATES: not making money, sluts, cheaters, liers, the bank, bills, getting turned down by a girl, not getting what he wants, corn, nascar [he just don't get it]

-- HISTORY

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Here is a little more of his life history. Bentley grow up in the richer side of Australia most of his life. He parent's weren't around for the most part. That was when they were on business trips or sale fairs. Bentley understood though and took what time he could get with them. His parents had loads of money and it was all from their their tack line. Bentley never really took on to their high taste in things at first. Most of his younger life was spend in their rather large home with the nanny. He was home schooled so not really many friends were made fro Ben. Around the age of 15 his mother and father bought him his first horse. Jack Sparrow an 11 year old ex race horse. Jack had been saved and trained to jump. Bentley quickly took to the horse since his parents was never really around. After riding for a few months Bentley asked if his parents could get him a jumping trainer.

Soon after a few months of hard work with the trainer Bentley found himself in the fast world of Jumping. He had pretty much forgotten his parents where never around. After Bentley started moving up in the Jumping World he had been using a lot of his parents tack from their tack line. It rose their business so much. That's when Ben noticed his parents where willing to give him anything. Ben started using it to his advance.

By the time he was eighteen Ben had three horses, a kawasaki, a challenger, and all the money from Jumping and his parents. Suddenly all that money and bit of fame was getting to his head. It changed Bentley well enough he became cocky, and a ass. Around the age of 22 he decided to move away from his parents. He found Pinewood and packed his bags. He was ready to make his name know in the jumping world there; to party and live on the edge.

-- SAMPLE

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Brain was a mess. He needed to get some sleep for his shift later tonight. Sleep was something that just wouldn't come; his mind raced. Some girl he didn't even really know was gonna have his kid. The girl wasn't even out of high school yet. Brian stood in the tack room next to a table. His fist where clenched into tight balls at he slammed them into the table. What was he thinking that night? He shouldn't have went to that party with all those younger kids. She looked old enough. Yea she was a little drunk. He himself had drank to much him self. He shook his head. No this couldn't be happening. He slammed his still clenched hands down on the table again.

He was breaking. He was losing it. Oh he needed someone to save him, but no one would be there because he never let anyone get that close to him. He stormed out of the tack room. His right hand pulled back and connected hard with the side of the door frame. There was a crack, but it could be clear if it was the wood or one of the bones in his hand. Brian could feel the warmth of the blood slowly begin to cover his fingers. He was in fuck it totally hate the world right now. If she thought he was such an asshole that didn't care why had she told him. He wanted to care but at the moment was to mad to give a shit. She want it, so he gave it to her. And now she expected him to care.

Anger showed strong on his face as he move toward his mare's stall. Kidd watched him and stepped back from the stall door. She had grown use to her owners temper. He had never hurt her but she rather stay out of his way anyway. Brian looked to the mare and it was like his mood slightly changed. He opened the stall door and stepped in. He closed the door and patted Kidd's neck with his good hand. He moved to a corner of the stall. Pressing his back into the wall he slowly sliding down it until he sat on the stall floor. He put his face in his hands trying not to lose it anymore than he already had. Kidd looked to her owner. She moved closer to him and layed down hear him.

She was some had an understanding of Brian's emotions. She had been with him long enough to know when he was happy and when he wasn't. Brian feel Kidd close to him. He looked up to find her laying near him. He moved over closer to her. Her head was pretty much in his lap now. He petted her with his good hand then hugged her neck. 'Kidd your the only one that seems to understand me.'

-- OOC

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-- NAME OR ALIAS: Lone Angel or LA
-- AGE: 20
-- RP EXPERIENCE: About three maybe four years
-- THREE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOU: Cheerful, fun, weird. xP
-- HOW YOU FOUND US: I don't remember I think an old site I play on. I seen the ad you guys had.
-- RULEPHRASE: Admin's edit
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[Smurf]

Hey, just a couple quick things regarding Bently's application. I think you need to go more in depth with his personality. The paragraphs are a little short and somewhat choppy. There are also a few small grammar and spelling errors. Honestly I think most of them are probably typos. Trust me, I know how that goes... just read it over again and I think you'll see what I mean. Also, if you could add a little more to his history, that would be great. It only has 141/300 words. Also I really don't think it explains why he is the way he is. Just something to think about.

Now, when it comes to owning his own tack shop: I think you should consider saying that he currently works at the tack shop, but would love to open his own shop someday soon. Something along those lines. After all, if he just recently moved here, he probably doesn't have a lot of money, and should start by making a name for himself first. He's also a tad young to be owning his own business so soon, don't you think? Unless maybe his parents are very wealthy or something? If so, you should probably explain that somewhere in his history. Just let me know what you think about this.

Here is what needs to be done before I can accept this:

1.) Look over his personality and work on making them longer and less choppy.

2.) Try to go a little more in depth with his history.

3.) Consider changing his occupational status, at least for the time being. Not exactly a requirement, but still recommended unless changes are made in his financial or family history.

4.) Correct any spelling or typing errors.

Now, I really hope this doesn't offend you in any way. I know it's long and may seem a little overwhelming, but we really want to push our members to be the best they can be. Let me know if you have any questions and I'll look this over once the requested changes are made. Good luck and thanks for taking the time to read this!

Much love, Staff.

[loneangel08]

No It's all understandable. I t was kinda later went I did it. I'll gladly look it over and fixing it. (: Thanks.

[Chey]

-- ACCEPTED!

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Remember to stop by the Claims board and stake your face, job, housing, and 'who plays who' claims :] Happy RPing![/center][/blockquote][/blockquote]